Encomium to Jeanie Pups

Me and Jeanie Pups

I have mentioned Jeanie a couple of times now without really expanding much, which is really a travesty as she has brought me so much joy I really do owe her a few lines. Jeanie is a minature schnauzer. She is 8 months old, which is one month younger than me. She is grey and white and so, so soft and biteable.

Our paws first met about 5 months ago. We were both out for busys, but our Mums took our leads off so we could play - and how we played. We wrestled, we mouthed, we licked.. We did the "bear dance", which is where both of us stand on hind legs, put our paws together and see who falls over first. We chased. In Jeanie, I discovered exhilarations previously unknown. I don't know if it was her keen eyes, or the way she bounced horizontally and wagged her tail that drove me so crazy. Maybe it was the taste of her tongue, or the way she pinned me to the ground and nuzzled my neck with her teeth. 

She really is the most fun. We play for hours and hours. Sometimes, I like to put something cuddly or chewy in my mouth and run round and round Jeanie to make her want it too. Of course, she always wants it, and so chases me round and round. Sometimes Jeanie puts something in her mouth and does the same thing. It sort of sounds boring when you write it down, but I promise you it isn't. It makes me all breathless and thirsty.

Anyway, we usually see Jeanie (Mummy calls her Jeanie pups, like she calls me Henry pups - together we are The Pups) about once a day or once every other day. We hadn't seen each other for the last few weeks though because apparently Jeanie was "in season", which meant I couldn't see her as even though I have "been done", she still might have made me more excited than I usually am when I see her. We also once didn't see Jeanie for a while because my busys were all wrong. But we are back being The Pups again this week, and it makes me so happy. Here are some of the highlights from yesterday:

The (fake) submission

The "play with me" pose

The leg chew

The roll

The face nuzzle

The invitation

The rear neck grip

The face twist

The leg/ face grapple

The neck pin

Jeanie trying to get the thing in mouth

Putting thing in mouth

Nuzzly pups

The face chew

The surprise rear pounce

Breather

The spin

The love

Meaty bone - I love you

Nom nom nom nom....chomp.... nom nom nom.

Revolutionary. That is the only way to describe this experience. And sublime. At first I wasn't sure, I mean, the meat wasn't cooked and it looked so.. big. But one lick, and I belonged to that bone. There was nowhere it would go that I would not follow. No bit too hard I would not chew. It seemed inconceivable that I would ever want another food stuff again. For two hours I pawed, mawed, nudged, licked and gnawed at this manna from dog heaven. I dragged it around the floor. Mummy moved it back to the newspaper. I dragged it around some more. Oh bone - you are so beautiful to me...Did my heart love til now? You, with your fatty sinews, your soft, glistening, moist pillows of meat, your crunch: so salty, so satisfying. I want more, but I don't want you to end. I buried you inside my yellow towel, but your temptation was too much - I returned, and licked some more. Until you were unceremoniously shoved inside an ocado bag and confined to the fridge. But I tell you bone, you were tiring. I slept for two solid hours after our first encounter. But it was a good tired. The best I've ever had. Bone, bone, I long for our reunion. Come back to me soon. I'm alone without you, bone.

Why my stars are not aligned

I've been going through a bit of an unlucky spell this week. First, there was the noisy barking dog in the park. We'd only just got there when I heard it, and I wasn't about to find out what was behind it... I looked at Mummy, she looked at me.... I turned on my heels and ran.. I ran for my life, to be safe and away from the barking monster dog. Back down the path, Mummy screaming behind me to stay, but Mummy, DIDN'T YOU HEAR IT?!

I just kept going.. we got to the pavement, I kept going. "Where should I go?" I thought. "Where else but back home" came the voice in my head.. so I hot-footed it over the road and back through the grey gates into our development, whereupon I did a little squitty poo. Well, at this point, Mummy had caught up with me. She looked a mess. Really destraught, a bit shaky. She applied my lead, as I always knew she would, and we continued in silence back to the flat.

I've never been that scared of another dog before and I've never run away like that before either. I can't really explain it - it is just how I felt at the time. I've noticed that my lead has remained on for all subsequent walks, however, so it obviously wasn't a good idea.

Bad luck number 2: Dental floss. It was Mummy's fault - she was teasing me with it, making me want it, that minty, tasty string... so when she wasn't looking I just ate it. Daddy tried to get it out of my mouth but by then it was too late - it was mostly in my mouth by then so I just gobbled up the last bit. Again, Mummy sort of changed colour. It has been two days now since and the dental floss must still be inside me. We keep going to the vets about it but apparently there is nothing any of us can do except wait and hope it comes out soon...apparently it can cause a lot of damage - "cheesewiring" my intestines or something. I hope it comes out soon.

Bad luck 3: Seriously, that cat must have cursed me.. there is never this much wrong in one go... So last week, Mummy and I both sort of noticed around the same time that I had developed some little scabby, itchy pimples on my head. Since then, they have multiplied and around my ears and travelling down my back.. the vet has been looking at them, Mummy keeps touching them, which I don't like, and I just keep wanting to scratch, scratch them away... but they don't go away, they just hurt more, and more keep appearing. I am so afflicted.

Bad luck 4: Mauling. Rottweiler. Seemed friendly enough at first, then I wasn't sure why it was drooling, why it pinned me underneath it, or why it was making that low growling sound... and then it went for it... it tried to bite me, it tried to wrestle me with its big, harsh paws... I squealed, Mummy pulled me away.... I was safe. Why it didn't like me I don't know - I tried to run back up to it afterwards to make it like me but Mummy just kept pulling me away... but I wasn't HURT or anything so I don't see why I couldn't go back over... maybe if I'd just wagged my tail at her a bit more, got a bit lower to the ground, or licked her tongue? We'll never know - but Henry is not to be defeated by this one act of aggression, oh no, it will take more than that to knock out my stuffing. Rottweilers, honestly.

My first strip

Lady puppies - contain yourselves - it is not that kind of stripping. What I am talking about is much less sexy, much more brutal, although the results are curiously satisfying.
I have just been stripped for the first time. Hand-stripped then (shudder) "carded", by a pleasant lady called Kate. It was confusing that such a pleasant lady should do such unpleasant things to me. She literally pulled my hair out with her bare hands. Now, I'm not saying that my hair wasn't really annoying me and making me all hot and bothered. But please, is there not some other way? Must I be subjected to this humiliating ordeal?
And whilst the results are pleasing on a practical level, aesthetically I'm not so sure. Before, I had what you might call teddy bear charm. A shaggy, scruffy appearance that everyone seemed to love. Now, my whole look is much more neat and tidy, still cute, but without that rugged edge...You must be dying to see it anyway... I won't keep you in suspense any longer..

What do you reckon Henry fans? Still got it?

20 reasons to be mad

1. It is raining outside
2. There were no dogs in the park
3. Mummy is doing stuff on the computer and not playing with me
4. I am wet and muddy
5. I keep getting told off for weeing inside, but being told off makes me want to do it more
6. I am bored
7. What on earth is that giant furry thing that is all squishy and noisy that Mummy brought home yesterday and she keeps sitting on? I hate it. I want to bite it and dig at it constantly, so much that it literally drives me crazy. I want it to leave again
8. I want to eat the olive tree and get shouted at every time I do
9. I want to eat the black thing that Mummy talks on but got shouted at for that as well
10. I am bored of my toys
11. Daddy completely ignored me before he went to work this morning.
12. I hate Mummy and Daddy
13. There are so many better places to be than in this flat, even when it is raining, why can't we go to them?
14. I can't jump onto the bed by myself
15. When I jump onto the coffee table, which is nice and cool on my belly, I am removed from it.

16. Where is Jeanie and why can't she be here all the time?

17. Mummy has shut the living room door so I can't go into the bedroom
18. Mummy is boring.
19. Being a puppy is so restricting, I can never just do my own thing. Why do I always have to go on that stupid lead?
20. Why can't I just eat what is in the fridge?

Observations on change

I think it was Heraclitus who said: "No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man." Well, if you replace "man" with "dog", it still applies. And this is what I have been thinking about lately.

The Thinker

Here are some things that have been changing lately:

- My size. It was small and I could fit in my basket and all other dogs looked big. Now I can't really fit in my basket (er, new one please Mummy) and some dogs I actually find a bit on the small side nowadays, like chihuahuas and maltesers. I still prefer bigger dogs, I don't know why, I guess I just identify more with them. But it is amazing - the world seems a less daunting place now I am bigger.

- My busys. This may be TMI (Mummy taught me that phrase), but they change all the time. Right now it is baaadddd, runny and smelly and makes me feel funny. When the busy changed, then soon after my food changed as well and I started to get this soft mushy, well, bland if I am honest, stuff instead. Also at this time, we stopped going for walks with Jeanie and Mummy and Daddy kept trying to shove things in my mouth. Mummy and Daddy were always hanging around me and stroking and patting me and saying "poor little thing". It has been a time of great dietary as well as physical and emotional upheaval, all seemingly linked with my busys.

- Mummy's tummy. It is getting bigger. Not just a bit bigger like bloating, but progressively more and more huge. She keeps her hand on it a lot and won't let me walk around on it like I used to. She talks to it, puts tasty lotions on it, puts headphones on it. It is a bit distracting really. It is no way more interesting than me.

- While other things get smaller as I get bigger, another thing that is getting annoyingly bigger is Jeanie. She used to be smaller than me, now she is bigger, even though I am a month and three days older than her. It doesn't matter too much, because like I said, I am way more confident nowadays, but it does mean she can jump on stuff and I can't follow her, including on me.

Jeanie trying to jump on my head

- Smells. Smells are like that river Heraclitus was on about. Constantly changing, always fascinating, and each time I smell a new smell, I feel like I change a bit too, like he said.. I feel more confident with every sniff, more knowledgeable, more worldly. I am six months old now, equivalent to a 15-year old, in your terms. So it is no surprise really that I know so much is it? 

Why I am a little shitbag

"Little shitbag" face

Now, I don't exactly know what the expression "shitbag" means, ok, but this is just one of the many things Mummy has called me today. The others are:

- pesticles
- menace
- misterchiefs
- naughtyface
- trouble bucket
- a teenager

The use of these names has almost exactly coincided with the following behaviour:

- poos and wees indoors - two of each. The first round was at 5.30am. What else was I meant to do when I couldn't get outside and they didn't wake up on command? The second round was Mummy's fault. She had shut the back door to prevent me doing what I do with the plants (see below) so I couldn't get outside.

- shoving my face in the pots where the plants are to eat the soil, then dragging the soily, twiggy bits inside and shaking them around a bit. Soil is wondrous. Soft, earthy, moist - why wouldn't Mummy want it everywhere too? I brought it in to show her but I won't be making that mistake again. She took it off me then GOT RID of all the lovely soil with that noisy sucky machine. The picture above is me after the soil dragging. The picture below is what the balcony looked like afterwards.

I forgot to mention that I also stripped the olive tree of half of its branches/ leaves

- general exuberance, energy and independence of mind. I haven't been following Mummy around all day today - I have been doing my own thing. Because I can. This started yesterday with the independent chewing of cables (shouted at for that too). Then the independent chewing of the new oak tree sapling that I am given to understand was some sort of 30th birthday present for Mummy. Well, she should have got to it first then shouldn't she? I also chewed a birthday balloon, but didn't get shouted at much for this. See below.

That's balloon string wrapped round my face

It continued with the chewing of books, then the chewing of the cardboard box under the bed. All of these things I consider to be mega fun and a good and productive use of my time - it all helps improve my gnashers after all - but Mummy has a different take on things. Why does she always restrict me? Take things away? Shout "no!" loudly and scarily when I'm just having fun. Jeez Mummy perhaps you should have some from time to time and just loosen up a bit like me. Maybe get yourself a cardboard box to chew on or something.